Witty Movie Reviews

I watch a lot of crappy horror movies on Netflix. In fact, it's hard to find any horror films with more that two stars. That's why I like the warnings people leave in their reviews. Far better than most films are the witty observations of those braver than I. I've started to collect them (none of them mine). It doesn't matter what the movie was; you'll get the joke. And you can always guess. Enjoy!

• This review is dedicated to the brain cells who died tragically during the viewing of the movie.
• It is a testament to movie quality when one of the best performances comes from the porn star in the cast.
• This is the worst movie. This "found footage" film should have been lost.
• [Sarcastic] One of the finest dramatic films ever created by mankind. The rare original print was recently included on the Mars rover, at great cost, so that any future intelligent life forms may see the genius for themselves.
• [And, by another reviewer, for the same film] Pure poo on a stick.
• Oh god, they're still making more of these? give up already!
• This isn't even a movie, this is like an 8th graders attempt to enter a film festival.
•  The one [actor] that didn't suck was the bum by the boat that was eating a sandwich
• Cardboard cutouts could have been just as convincing.
• This movie had it all...danger, haunting revenge, diabolical horror, thrill-seeking suspense, a mad sadistic scientist, and then.......I pressed play.
• About an alien invasion film - "OMG this movie was like sooooo unrealistic! People in Florida do not drink Yuengling."
• It does not suddenly get better. It suddenly remains just as awful as when it started out.
•  If you are reading this, please turn back. You seem like a good person and I would hate for you to experience something like this. Listen, we both know you came here looking for a good movie, or just something to pass the time. I kn- Shhh...please....let me finish. Don't do this to yourself. I'm only saying this because I care
• I only gave it one star for the partial nudity.
• Honestly, I think the best character in this movie was the cat. most believable performance anyway.
• This is the only movie I know with "Assault" in the title that gives a snail 40 seconds of screen time (yes I timed it..and it seemed longer)
• I have always believed a woman should fight zombies in a bikini and a cape and  two swords. This movie proves I was right.
• This film would have been a lot more interesting had everyone died of starvation

I'm going to update this post whenever I find more. Feel free to send me your own!